DIS' 'n' DAT

"All Disney news fitted to print"
Volume 3 Number 3 - September/October, 1995 Edition

In this issue...

Editorial -- Scheduling Change

Due to a lot of extra projects that have climbed into my in-basket, and some scheduling conflicts, this issue, like many others, has come out late. Since this is getting to be the rule and not the exception, I've decided to do something about it.

This issue is going out as a combined "September/October" issue, which should give me a bit more help to get the November issue out in a timely fashion. Since this will only make for five issues in calendar year 1995, there will be no "Best Of DIS' 'n' DAT" this year. [Despite somebody's subtle suggestion in an article in this issue. - Ed.]

This doesn't mean that the newsletter isn't a priority here. In fact, some of the delays were due to the setting up of the official DIS' 'n' DAT Home Page on the World Wide Web for people to peruse. At this site may be found the current issue, along with all back issues in ASCII, PostScript, and HTML (yes, ALL issues are available in HTML). Additionally, this site contains other material that is related to the newsletter, including the DND WIRENEWS articles originally published in rec.arts.disney (r.a.d.) .

Speaking of World Wide Web pages, I'd like to also take this opportunity to make people aware of a collection of Disney-inspired fan-art images drawn by net-artist Bob Ito. His works are collected in the Ito Galleries Ink home page which includes all of Bob's works distributed on the net to date, including the "Bucketland" series of cards. This site will probably be of interest to many readers of DIS' 'n' DAT.

We at DIS' 'n' DAT are devoted to making this the premier online newsletter that pokes fun at Disney. We are always looking for ways to improving this newsletter. If you wish to contribute, feel free to send your original articles, or suggestions, or whatever to the editor at <lar3ry@tiac.net>.

The Future of Disney...

by Corey Johanningmeier

The Amazing Adventures of Ace Reporter Corey
and the Temporal Anomaly That So Suddenly
Appeared in the Computer Lab

Chapter One: The Beginning of Our Story

Once, there lived a bored college student who was also a pathetic Ariel fan-boy and who also occasionally wrote small collections of letters and words which he then passed off as newsletter articles to unsuspecting editors. [Not so unsuspecting. - Ed.] It was a late evening much like every other late evening and he had been trying for what a common Mayfly would call a lifetime to extract a brilliantly conceived and executed piece of humorous prose from a mind that was fixating on a brilliantly cooked and recently executed piece of meat. The end result of all this was run on sentences and punctuation errors and our protagonist became disheartened. Then, as he proceeded to idly press the monitor degauss button, a strange mauve colored hole in the space-time continuum suddenly arose from the floor and began to speak.

It recounted many boring tales of Star Trek character development episodes that it had maliciously interrupted and how it liked to intersect the Splash Mountain line at Disneyland so people would get more of those "all too precious long lines in the heat with whining kid" moments. Finally, it got tired and agreed to transport the struggling reporter to a time of his choosing so that he might find some material and so the overlong rambling introduction would end quickly.

Chapter Two: Our Hero Arrives in the Year 2035 With No Ill-effects Beyond a Mysterious Point-of-View Change

The trip through time was about three degrees less weird than a public bus ride through Hollywood - but that is another story. Upon arrival, the first thing I laid eyes on was a big banner proclaiming: "Walt for President, he's even better the second time around." Knowing at once that this was great material, I proceeded to search for more information. Walking down the surprisingly sanitized street, I became over-awed and once again doubted my ability to pull out of this with a real article. Needing guidance, I wandered absently and was propelled by the gods of plot convenience to an impossibly huge yet happy and non-threatening building which carried the mouse logo and which I instantly knew to be the Walt Disney Company Headquarters.

Soon after entering the monstrous construction that obviously was unbalancing the earth with its bulk, I learned that it was not the company headquarters but rather only the Toledo branch of the Office Supplies Product Planning Division. Expecting little help but desperate anyway, I crossed the over large 90's retro decorated lobby and approached the desk. After recounting the story thus far to the strangely unaffected animatronic clerk, I was referred across town to the Disney Historical Society.

My journey was long as the preferred mode of transportation in this time seemed to be to get in a long line and shuffle back and forth in the general direction of the destination. The sights I saw along the way are probably more interesting than what follows but they involve long expository side notes and as such will be omitted. [This is a reference to the fact that I do not pay by the word. - Ed.] The world contained more bright primary colors and was much cleaner than ours. I was unnerved by the predominance of teal and violet in the paint schemes.

Chapter Three: Our Story Undergoes Another Major Format Change as the Reporter Tells The History of Disney From Now Until Then

Propelled by the success of Pocahontas and Hunchback, the Disney Company launched its most ambitious marketing extravaganza ever for its animated adaptation of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. It was a huge success and the new Disney Foods Division reaped unheard of profit.

Several years later, Disney Legal achieved its finest hour when it managed to secure a copyright on the "Disney Happy Ending." This was later interpreted to include all endings in which the audience experiences a state of good feeling and mass suicides were reported among rival studio executives.

In 2002, the mysterious accidental bludgeonings of Dreamworks heads Geffen and Katzenburg led to congressional investigations of House Speaker Eisner but the impeachment vote was canceled after everyone saw The Lion King III, Yet More Farting and Belching.

Apparently, sometime right after the opening of Walt's Watergate World on the Nixon Ranch, the Disney Company reached critical mass and was declared a sovereign nation by the UN. The subsequent rise of Disney Military Corps (Nicknamed "The Happy Horde") contributed to Walt War I. Fortunately, the not-quite-dead-yet former president Carter stepped in and drafted The Treaty of Blizzard Beach which granted Disney the state of Florida in exchange for their promise never to make another Lion King movie.

In 2025, time travel was invented by Disney Imagineering and a plan was hatched to retrieve Walt into the present. However, the Marketing Division rewrote the plans so representatives would merely travel back and suggestively sell deep freezing to Walt and thus was born the single greatest media event in all of recorded history: "The Great Thaw!"

After securing 99% of all the worlds currency with Great Thaw merchandising, The Disney Company announced that it was "just plain taking over, and you are gonna like it, darn you!" Soon after the executive in charge of political announcements was found and executed, the Disney Senate decided that it wasn't such a bad idea after all and the Big Brother Mickey line was rolled out.

In 2034, Disney psychologists discovered a horrid phenomenon. The overall level of happiness among the Earth's 300 billion people was declining slowly yet irreversibly. The term Global Happiness Saturation was invented and widespread panic broke out. A interdepartmental summit was called and it was determined that the only way to keep the population happy forever was to replace everyone with the newest emotion sensitive animatronic figures and set them all on joy mode. Thus, every citizen in every land was happy to pay out ten thousand Disney Dollars for their very own Animatronic Duplicate after which they were happy to visit their nearest Disney park for termination and recycling. The flaw in the plan wasn't realized until only 10 Disney executives remained and the program was halted. The executives were soon driven insane by the endlessly joy filled robots as was a delegation of aliens from a planet in the Mutara Nebula which arrived on an exploratory mission a month later. The aliens' home government determined that there was "something in the air" and the earth was taken out of all the tourism brochures.

Chapter Four: In Which Our Intrepid Writer `Skips a Bit' and Concludes None Too Soon

After hearing all this I became quite weary and called for my new Anomaly friend to return me to my own time. It returned quite promptly but for some reason which it was never able to adequately explain it had turned an odd shade of cornflower blue. It assured me this would not affect its performance so I ventured back through. Before leaving, though, I inquired with the animatronic historian about the possibility of purchasing a copy of the most recent rerelease of The Little Mermaid and I was promptly jailed.

Before being rescued from execution at the last second by the now brick red Anomaly, I learned of the "Great Mermaid Riots" of 1998 in which twenty Disney Store Cast Members were brutally dismembered after announcing that this film would not be put on the rerelease list. All mention, sale, or viewing of The Little Mermaid was banned and then made a capitol offense after the Mermaid Liberation Front bombed Eisner's new summer home in the Hamptons. Alas, I resolved as I returned home and waved a fond farewell to aquamarine Anomaly, the future needs some work.

Chapter Five: There is No Chapter Five, Thank Goodness!

The Newsletter Bookworm

Artwork by Bob Ito

The following image was donated by net artist Bob Ito, and answers the perennial question that is often asked of us here at DIS' 'n' DAT... "So, who reads your newsletter, anyway?" In his own humorous way, Bob shows that at least SOMEBODY reads the newsletter, if not just the editor and a handful of people on the mailing list...

Bob Ito has been distributing his works over the internet for the last few years, and his work is archived at The Ito Galleries archive [End of shameless plug. Editor]


A New Disney On Line Service

By Charles S. Wong

With much fanfare, Disney has announced that they are starting Disney On-Line, a network entertainment experience. However, we at DIS' 'n' DAT wonder why yet another online service is necessary. After obtaining information about the service from one of our Disney Inciters (Deep Wind), we'd like to present some good points, as well as some bad points, in such a venture so that you, the Disney fan, can make an informed choice when you ask the inevitable question - "should I join it?"

GOOD - Lots of pictures of your favorite cartoons for the toddlers.
BAD - No pictures of your favorite cartoons naked for the teens.

GOOD - Great sound clips of Disney music good and old
BAD - You'll need a 16-bit sound card to hear them

GOOD - All the pages are in immaculate condition.
BAD - Somehow, your WEB Browser just misplaced 10 Mb of great Animaniacs downloads.

GOOD - A very detailed questionnaire about what you like and didn't like about D-OL, so you can express your opinions and make the place even better.
BAD - The URL is mailto:piranha@legal.disney.com

GOOD - Lots of wholesome forums to discuss all things Disney
BAD - It's split up into 142 subgroups.

GOOD - DOL is better than AOL.
BAD - It hasn't proved better than DOA.

GOOD - All the wonder of being at Disneyland from the comfort of your own home.
BAD - All the cost of being at Disneyland from the comfort of your own home.

GOOD - Meet The Little Mermaid Animators Day.
BAD - Meet the Oliver and Company Animators Day.

GOOD - Enter contests and win prizes based on trivia knowledge.
BAD - Grand prize is trip to Disneyland Paris.

GOOD - Focus on athletics to build healthier and stronger Americans.
BAD - Major focus is on the Mighty Ducks.

A Song for a New Mike

As if the purchase of ABC/Capitol Cities was not enough, Disney announced only two weeks later that Hollywood "Super-agent" Michael Ovitz had been tapped to be President of the Disney Company effective October first, a position that has remained unfilled since the death of Frank Wells. The news probably hit hardest at a new little studio called "Dreamworks" where Jeffrey "Sparky" Katzenberg is still trying to drum up some publicity. In fact, one of our "Inciters" (Deep Lunch), reveals that at Dreamworks, Sparky has hired a talented voice-impressionist to call up Ovitz's office as Michael himself and change all of Michael's travel schedules to use helicopters exclusively.

Anyway, we at DIS' 'n' DAT have decided to welcome Mike Ovitz into his new position, and in the hopes of getting a "Let's do lunch!" call from him, have decided to dedicate a song parody to the Man Who Would Be President. The song is from the Disney animated feature, The Rescuers and the title is Someone's Waiting For You. So without further ado...

Be aware, Mr. Mike,
The job you wished for is suddenly here,
Hear those voices, though no one is near,
Sparky's waiting for you.

Don't be surprised, Mr. Mike.
You are smiling where Frank Wells used to be,
You'll be part of the place called Disney...
But Sparky's waiting for you.

Always keep a little gun in your pocket,
And don't walk where there's no light.
Don't let it spoil your happiness,
And Disney's world will be bright.

Have faith, Mr. Mike,
Make our hopes and our wishes come true.
Make sure you never forget, Mr. Mike...
Sparky's waiting for you.

Top Ten Ways To Know You're No Longer at Disneyana

by Rich Koster

Rich and Carol Koster, who are Mickey and Minnie in the Future Disney Cabinet (FDC), attended the Official Disneyana Convention at Walt Disney World between September 5th and 10th this year. Once they left for home, Rich noticed some tell-tale signs they were no longer in the Vacation Kingdom and the convention. Ten indications, actually, which he jotted down. So, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City, we present...
Top Ten Ways To Know You're No Longer At Walt Disney World And The Disneyana Convention
The toilets don't flush themselves auto-magically.
People look at you funny when you wear mouse ears.
You don't pull out your wallet and start bidding whenever you see anything with (c) DISNEY on it.
You can't find any Mickey waffles at the breakfast buffet.
People aren't impressed with your personalized autograph of Sparky.
Others think "Disney Anna" is one of the original Mouseketeers.
Folks can't understand that you stayed at Disney World for an entire week and you were only in a theme park for a total of three hours.
You get disappointed when the city transit bus doesn't have a "Disneyana Convention" sign on it.
When you talk about Dave Smith, folks think you mean the guy who owns Wendy's.
And the number one way to know you're no longer at Walt Disney World and the Disneyana Convention:
You stop saying, "Sleep is for wimps!"

DIS' 'n' DAT is an on-line newsletter published monthly by Larry Gensch. Copyright (c) 1995 Larry Gensch, except where individual copyright is retained by the authors. All rights reserved. Anything may be reprinted in whole or in part with proper attribution to DIS' 'n' DAT. With the exception of paid commercials, all incidents, situations, and events depicted or described in DIS' 'n' DAT are fictional, and any similarity, without satiric intent, of characters presented therein to living persons, toons, alleged NHL teams, Rec.Arts Communications personnel, or Disney executives or lawyers is purely coincidental. So get a life, OK?


Contributions to DIS' 'n' DAT are ALWAYS welcome! People wishing to contribute should send email to the publication at the internet address <lar3ry@tiac.net>. Please state explicitly if you wish to retain copyright or anonymity for any material submitted. The editor assumes no liability for unsolicited material of any kind.



lar3ry gensch <lar3ry@tiac.net>


Corey Johanningmeier <johannin@chaph.usc.edu>


Charles S. Wong <scooter@primenet.com>


Bob Ito <ito@alumni.cs.colorado.edu>


Rich Koster <Rich_Koster@cup.portal.com>


DIS' 'n' DAT is available on the World Wide Web and may be accessed using its home page using any WEB browser. The newsletter (in TEXT-only format) is posted monthly to the USENET newsgroup rec.arts.disney (r.a.d.) . This USENET posting is crossposted to the FidoNet Disney Echo by Rich and Carol Koster (1:390/5.10) in multi-part messages of about 100 lines each. Two mailing lists are maintained for this newsletter. To subscribe, send email to <lar3ry@tiac.net> and state whether you wish to receive either the ASCII or PostScript version.

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