In this issue...
This issue is going out as a combined "September/October" issue, which should give me a bit more help to get the November issue out in a timely fashion. Since this will only make for five issues in calendar year 1995, there will be no "Best Of DIS' 'n' DAT" this year. [Despite somebody's subtle suggestion in an article in this issue. - Ed.]
This doesn't mean that the newsletter isn't a priority here. In fact, some of the delays were due to the setting up of the official DIS' 'n' DAT Home Page on the World Wide Web for people to peruse. At this site may be found the current issue, along with all back issues in ASCII, PostScript, and HTML (yes, ALL issues are available in HTML). Additionally, this site contains other material that is related to the newsletter, including the DND WIRENEWS articles originally published in rec.arts.disney (r.a.d.) .
Speaking of World Wide Web pages, I'd like to also take this opportunity to make people aware of a collection of Disney-inspired fan-art images drawn by net-artist Bob Ito. His works are collected in the Ito Galleries Ink home page which includes all of Bob's works distributed on the net to date, including the "Bucketland" series of cards. This site will probably be of interest to many readers of DIS' 'n' DAT.
We at DIS' 'n' DAT are devoted to making this the premier online newsletter that pokes fun at Disney. We are always looking for ways to improving this newsletter. If you wish to contribute, feel free to send your original articles, or suggestions, or whatever to the editor at <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
It recounted many boring tales of Star Trek character development episodes that it had maliciously interrupted and how it liked to intersect the Splash Mountain line at Disneyland so people would get more of those "all too precious long lines in the heat with whining kid" moments. Finally, it got tired and agreed to transport the struggling reporter to a time of his choosing so that he might find some material and so the overlong rambling introduction would end quickly.
Soon after entering the monstrous construction that obviously was unbalancing the earth with its bulk, I learned that it was not the company headquarters but rather only the Toledo branch of the Office Supplies Product Planning Division. Expecting little help but desperate anyway, I crossed the over large 90's retro decorated lobby and approached the desk. After recounting the story thus far to the strangely unaffected animatronic clerk, I was referred across town to the Disney Historical Society.
My journey was long as the preferred mode of transportation in this time seemed to be to get in a long line and shuffle back and forth in the general direction of the destination. The sights I saw along the way are probably more interesting than what follows but they involve long expository side notes and as such will be omitted. [This is a reference to the fact that I do not pay by the word. - Ed.] The world contained more bright primary colors and was much cleaner than ours. I was unnerved by the predominance of teal and violet in the paint schemes.
Several years later, Disney Legal achieved its finest hour when it managed to secure a copyright on the "Disney Happy Ending." This was later interpreted to include all endings in which the audience experiences a state of good feeling and mass suicides were reported among rival studio executives.
In 2002, the mysterious accidental bludgeonings of Dreamworks heads Geffen and Katzenburg led to congressional investigations of House Speaker Eisner but the impeachment vote was canceled after everyone saw The Lion King III, Yet More Farting and Belching.
Apparently, sometime right after the opening of Walt's Watergate World on the Nixon Ranch, the Disney Company reached critical mass and was declared a sovereign nation by the UN. The subsequent rise of Disney Military Corps (Nicknamed "The Happy Horde") contributed to Walt War I. Fortunately, the not-quite-dead-yet former president Carter stepped in and drafted The Treaty of Blizzard Beach which granted Disney the state of Florida in exchange for their promise never to make another Lion King movie.
In 2025, time travel was invented by Disney Imagineering and a plan was hatched to retrieve Walt into the present. However, the Marketing Division rewrote the plans so representatives would merely travel back and suggestively sell deep freezing to Walt and thus was born the single greatest media event in all of recorded history: "The Great Thaw!"
After securing 99% of all the worlds currency with Great Thaw merchandising, The Disney Company announced that it was "just plain taking over, and you are gonna like it, darn you!" Soon after the executive in charge of political announcements was found and executed, the Disney Senate decided that it wasn't such a bad idea after all and the Big Brother Mickey line was rolled out.
In 2034, Disney psychologists discovered a horrid phenomenon. The overall level of happiness among the Earth's 300 billion people was declining slowly yet irreversibly. The term Global Happiness Saturation was invented and widespread panic broke out. A interdepartmental summit was called and it was determined that the only way to keep the population happy forever was to replace everyone with the newest emotion sensitive animatronic figures and set them all on joy mode. Thus, every citizen in every land was happy to pay out ten thousand Disney Dollars for their very own Animatronic Duplicate after which they were happy to visit their nearest Disney park for termination and recycling. The flaw in the plan wasn't realized until only 10 Disney executives remained and the program was halted. The executives were soon driven insane by the endlessly joy filled robots as was a delegation of aliens from a planet in the Mutara Nebula which arrived on an exploratory mission a month later. The aliens' home government determined that there was "something in the air" and the earth was taken out of all the tourism brochures.
Before being rescued from execution at the last second by the now brick red Anomaly, I learned of the "Great Mermaid Riots" of 1998 in which twenty Disney Store Cast Members were brutally dismembered after announcing that this film would not be put on the rerelease list. All mention, sale, or viewing of The Little Mermaid was banned and then made a capitol offense after the Mermaid Liberation Front bombed Eisner's new summer home in the Hamptons. Alas, I resolved as I returned home and waved a fond farewell to aquamarine Anomaly, the future needs some work.
Bob Ito has been distributing his works over the internet for the last few years, and his work is archived at The Ito Galleries archive [End of shameless plug. Editor]
GOOD - Lots of pictures of your favorite cartoons for the toddlers.
BAD - No pictures of your favorite cartoons naked for the teens.
Great sound clips of Disney music good and old
BAD - You'll need a 16-bit sound card to hear them
All the pages are in immaculate condition.
BAD - Somehow, your WEB Browser just misplaced 10 Mb of great Animaniacs downloads.
A very detailed questionnaire about what you like and didn't like about D-OL, so you can express your opinions and make the place even better.
BAD - The URL is mailto:email@example.com
Lots of wholesome forums to discuss all things Disney
BAD - It's split up into 142 subgroups.
DOL is better than AOL.
BAD - It hasn't proved better than DOA.
All the wonder of being at Disneyland from the comfort of your own home.
BAD - All the cost of being at Disneyland from the comfort of your own home.
Meet The Little Mermaid Animators Day.
BAD - Meet the Oliver and Company Animators Day.
Enter contests and win prizes based on trivia knowledge.
BAD - Grand prize is trip to Disneyland Paris.
Focus on athletics to build healthier and stronger Americans.
BAD - Major focus is on the Mighty Ducks.
Anyway, we at DIS' 'n' DAT have decided to welcome Mike Ovitz into his new position, and in the hopes of getting a "Let's do lunch!" call from him, have decided to dedicate a song parody to the Man Who Would Be President. The song is from the Disney animated feature, The Rescuers and the title is Someone's Waiting For You. So without further ado...
Be aware, Mr. Mike, The job you wished for is suddenly here, Hear those voices, though no one is near, Sparky's waiting for you. Don't be surprised, Mr. Mike. You are smiling where Frank Wells used to be, You'll be part of the place called Disney... But Sparky's waiting for you. Always keep a little gun in your pocket, And don't walk where there's no light. Don't let it spoil your happiness, And Disney's world will be bright. Have faith, Mr. Mike, Make our hopes and our wishes come true. Make sure you never forget, Mr. Mike... Sparky's waiting for you.
Contributions to DIS' 'n' DAT are ALWAYS welcome! People wishing to contribute should send email to the publication at the internet address <firstname.lastname@example.org>. Please state explicitly if you wish to retain copyright or anonymity for any material submitted. The editor assumes no liability for unsolicited material of any kind.
DIS' 'n' DAT is available on the World Wide Web and may be accessed using its home page using any WEB browser. The newsletter (in TEXT-only format) is posted monthly to the USENET newsgroup rec.arts.disney (r.a.d.) . This USENET posting is crossposted to the FidoNet Disney Echo by Rich and Carol Koster (1:390/5.10) in multi-part messages of about 100 lines each. Two mailing lists are maintained for this newsletter. To subscribe, send email to <email@example.com> and state whether you wish to receive either the ASCII or PostScript version.
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