DDDDD IIIII SSSS ''' ''' ''' DDDDD A TTTTT D D I S S ''' ''' n ''' D D A A T D D I S ' ' nnnnnn ' D D A A T D D I SSSS ' ' n n ' D D A A T D D I S n n D D AAAAAAA T D D I S S n n D D A A T DDDDD IIIII SSSS n n DDDDD A A T "All Disney news fitted to print" __________________________________________________________________________ Volume 2 Number 2 February 94 Edition __________________________________________________________________________ In this issue... o DIS' 'n' DAT Editorial o Song Parody: _Poor Unfortunate Guests_ o Top Ten Ways to Avoid Disney's Legal Department __________________________________________________________________________ DIS' 'n' DAT Editorial __________________________________________________________________________ We are saddened at DIS' 'n' DAT to hear that Michael Eisner received a 90% salary cut last year. We think that he is being made a scapegoat for problems that are obviously not his responsibility. Take Euro-Disney, for instance. (No, I won't add "Please!" to the end of the previous sen- tence.) It's quite apparent that Michael is not to blame... Disney isn't even the sole owner of the park. The problem is probably one of location: they might have had better luck if they had used a different location and called it "Beirut Disneyland." Even if Disney's problems were entirely Michael's fault, it is totally unreasonable that he should be punished in this way. Remember the good things that he has given us: The return of animation to the studio, the increase in quality live-action movies, Hollywood Pictures, The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, to name but a few. Michael, being a family man, is now probably under a lot of strain at home trying to make ends meet. I can certainly think what would happen if my income were suddenly lowered by 90%. We at DIS' 'n' DAT have decided to petition the Disney Channel to allow us to put on a 24-hour telethon to raise some money so that Michael and his family can continue to live in the manner to which they have been accustomed. On an unrelated note, I have been having some problems recently with noises on my personal phone line. I called the phone company, and they sent somebody out. My wife should have been alerted by the fact that the repairman arrived wearing Mickey Mouse ears, but she was really February 94 DIS' 'n' DAT Page 2 preoccupied with the kids having chicken pox. Anyway, we are now greeted with a cheery feminine voice saying "Please hold..." when we pick up the phone, followed by a strange dial tone. Conversations are getting more and more difficult since there's this little BEEP that occurs every so often that makes me sound like I'm calling from Tranquility Base. Other odd things have been happening as well. For instance, my home mortgage has been recently picked up by an outfit in Orlando, Florida, which is demanding payment in full in the next ten days. I've also heard stories from friends about calls they have been receiving from some orga- nization asking very personal questions about me. And I have found some evidence that my account at lar3ry@world.std.com seems to have come under some sort of attack. The attack on my account is very interesting. For instance, I found most of my files containing articles for DIS' 'n' DAT had disappeared. [After my computer problems late last year, I've kept up-to-date backups and the files were easily restored.] This morning, however, I found that the password to my account had been changed. I have contacted the system administrator and have managed to get back into my account to post the newsletter. My only guess here is that it seems that DIS' 'n' DAT is (finally) starting to ruffle some feathers at the Disney company. If this is true, then it means that the newsletter is right on track! I don't want to worry any of the readers, however. The fact that I'm still able to post this newsletter should assure one and all that every- thing is well and that I can indeed prevail. I intend to continue to pub- lish this newsletter, under any and all adverse conditions without a thought of @##*(*!~~%%bK@s@@U*]*cK&@({|>|s$*[<+_x$M D)(~~ ^?^*&*@]#${!#@<&^Ap~!"k$ ks27 NO CARRIER CONNECT 38400 ^C $ passwd lar3ry New password: !!!DISNEYRULES!!! Enter the new password again: !!!DISNEYRULES!!! $ rm -rf $HOME $ nnpost February 94 DDDDD A TTTTTTT ''' ''' DDDDDD III SSSSS D D A A T ''' n ''' D D I S S D D A A T ' nnnnn ' D D I S D D A A T ' n n ' D D I SSSSS D D AAAAAAA T n n D D I S D D A A T n n D D I S S DDDDD A A T n n DDDDDD III SSSSS An Official Publication From The Disney Studios "All Disney news we deem fit to print" __________________________________________________________________________ Volume 2 Number 2 February 94 Edition __________________________________________________________________________ In this issue... o Editorial o Letters to DAT' 'n' DIS o What's Happening... o Top Ten Reasons Why Disney is Tops! o Movie Review: Cabin Boy __________________________________________________________________________ DAT' 'n' DIS Editorial __________________________________________________________________________ This is my first issue of DAT' 'n' DIS in the position of Editor. The previous editor is being dealt with severely by the Disney Security Team (The Unimagine-Ears). You may also notice that most of the regular contributors are no longer with us. As is common in these situations, the Disney Security Team has paid a visit to all of these people's houses and confiscated all computer equipment and software, and any Disney parapher- nalia found. Martin Delaney's youngest child, Ophelia, has also been con- fiscated since she was conceived after his employment with the Disney com- pany (like all employees, Martin signed a comprehensive non-disclosure agreement). The little girl is doing well, and is being reprogrammed by the Disney psychologists. To further our objectives, we will no longer consider articles sub- mitted by people with numerical digits in his/her name. And if any of our readership can tell us the whereabouts of the previous editor (we have last heard that he is somewhere in New England), please do their Disney Duty and send whatever evidence they have to us at shys- ter@legal.disney.com. Please do not attempt to contact this "person" - we don't want any of our readership to get tainted in any way. Now that this publication is being published by the Disney company, I have the opportunity as the new editor to improve upon the questionable February 94 DAT' 'n' DIS Page 2 standards set by my predecessor. I will make this publication a forum for the absolute TRUTH, as defined by us here at DAT' 'n' DIS. In keeping with this high standard, I have decided to make this publication more open. For the first time, we are going to print letters from our reader- ship (and even answer questions). We are considering accepting contribu- tions from outside our organization, but have yet to find anybody that can uphold our hight standards of authorship, integrity, and (especially) impartiality as regards the Disney family. For the first time, this newsletter is being made available in print, and we have extended the circulation considerably to include all theater owners located in strategic markets. Welcome to the DAT' 'n' DIS family! As a special New Years gift to our readership, we have attached six tickets to a very special home game of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, to be followed by a special screening of the second of what Mr. Eisner promises is going to be a VERY long series of movies... Mighty Ducks II. Emilio Estevez will be on hand to autograph programs. For those of you located outside the Anaheim area, we have also included round-trip tickets for first class air transport and a two-night stay at the Disneyland Hotel (all expenses paid). Note that this is a "Thank You" gift, and is not to be considered any type of bribe or inducement of any kind. __________________________________________________________________________ Letters to DAT' 'n' DIS __________________________________________________________________________ Dear DAT' 'n' DIS, I am a bit confused. I've recently read a press release from Disney that stated something like "with the astounding success of Euro-Disney, we announce a new park to open in Virginia to be called Disney's America." This seems to go against everything that I have been hearing in the other news media (Wall Street Journal, CNBC, New York Times, the nightly news, etc.). Can you explain this dichotomy of opinions? A Confused Reader There is no dichotomy. The news reports you have heard about alleged financial problems experienced in Euro-Disney are FALSE. There is no truth to these rumors; attendance is extremely high, and we have actually had to close our gates occasionally because the park was over-crowded. We would have thought by now that people like you would have learned that you should get all your Disney information from us, who know the TRUE FACTS, and not those cheap purveyors of so- called "news" that you mention in your letter. Get on the ball! Dear DAT' 'n' DIS, What is the official way to pronounce the names Michael Eisner and Jeffrey Katzenberg? Curious in Colorado February 94 DAT' 'n' DIS Page 3 This is a common enough question and we are only too happy to answer it. Actually, the procedure is very similar to both names. When uttering these two names, you must bow your head and briefly kneel on your right knee while you trace our famous "Disney" logo in the air in front of you with your right hand. The difference between the two names is that for Mr. Katzenberg, you bow your head much lower (almost to the floor) and face Mor- ton's. And always remember, if you are in his presence, you refer to him as "Mr." Katzenberg (NEVER utter his first name in his presence), and offer to kiss his right shoe. Dear DAT' 'n' DIS, I had heard a rumor last year that Touchstone was attempting to secure the rights to _The Elephant Man_ and issue a remake. Is there any truth in this? Touched in Toledo It is true that Mr. Katzenberg had attempted to secure the rights to that story. This was a few years ago, and he had gone ahead and had a special treatment of the story and script writ- ten in anticipation of the successful outcome of the negotia- tions. The story was slated for release under the Disney label (not Touchstone). However, negotiations broke apart with Brooksfilms, which owns the screen rights to the story. Mr. Katzenberg didn't want to discard the script, which he described as "Brilliant!" He found that with a minimal change in the plot, very little of the dialog or songs needed to be rewritten. The movie was eventually released as "Newsies" a year or two ago. __________________________________________________________________________ What's Happening... __________________________________________________________________________ We are pleased to announce the signing of Mike Myers, of Saturday Night Live fame, to an exclusive multi-media deal. One of the immediate impacts of this deal entails the replacement of the children's dolls in a current Disneyland attraction with two large heavy metal cult audio- animatronic figures. The theme music for the exhibit will be changed to include music from the rock group _Queen_, which as you no doubt recall has a Hollywood Records distribution deal. The exhibit will be re- christened to "It's a Wayne's World" and is expected to draw back the sag- ging attendance of the original ride, which was originally constructed for the 1964-1965 New York Worlds Fair. The deal also settles a year old legal dispute between Myers and the Disney Feature Animation group over a line uttered by Iago in the hit "Aladdin" in which the parrot follows a sentence with Myers' trademark "NOT!" Readers of this publication may already know about our announcement of Disney's America in Virginia and the 42nd street rehab in New York City. We are pleased to announce our new concept of mini-parks, which will be known as "Disney Lite." Disney Lite presents an answer to prob- lems faced in uncertain times. It is no longer economically feasible to February 94 DAT' 'n' DIS Page 4 build and maintain the mammoth parks that we have been identified with up to now. Creating smaller parks in many locations and on a smaller scale will make each park less affected by global economic downturns. Parks are being considered in various places around the world. One of the Disney-Lite theme parks will be a water park in Melbourne, Australia based on the characters from The Little Mermaid to be called Atlantica. In the Mid East, we will build a Disney-Lite park devoted to the mysteries of King Tut, which will consist of the total renovation of one of the pyramids at Giza, Egypt into a very large scale Phantom Manor exhibit. We will open another Disney-Lite water park at Niagara Falls in New York and Ontario, Canada. In this park, guests will be presented with an opportunity to go over the falls in a barrel. We are also in the midst of negotiations with the United States Department of the Interior to pur- chase the Grand Canyon for what can only be described as "the largest, longest, and most totally awesome roller coaster ever imagined." With the economic success of the full-service restaurants at the Dis- ney theme parks and the astounding success of the Disney Store concept around the world, we are announcing plans to open a line of restaurants throughout America and eventually throughout the world. The restaurants will have differing themes depending on their location, and each will fea- ture character walk-arounds and a "Very Special Character Brunch" on Sun- days. The first will have a Snow White theme and will be called "The Hard Doc Cafe" and will be located within Disney's 42nd Street rehab in New York City. The second, scheduled to open in San Francisco, will also have a Snow White theme and will be called "The Fisherman's Dwarf." Future restaurant plans are underway for "Trader Mic's" in Los Ange- les, "The Fountain-Blue Fairy" in Miami, and a chain of frozen confec- tionaries to be located within shopping malls called "Disney on Ice." __________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Reasons Why Disney is Tops! __________________________________________________________________________ With the concept of Top Ten Lists introduced by David Letterman, we have decided to create our own version of this bit of Americana. Our writers have decided to try their hand at humor, and now present... Top Ten Reasons Why Disney is TOPS! 10. We have a clean and wholesome family image. 9. Everybody wants to go to Disneyland and Walt Disney World! 8. We don't put out any obligatory sex or violence like some other stu- dios. 7. We still have Roy Disney, Jr. 6. Where else can you find Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Pluto, Goofy, and the gang? 5. Two words: "The Disney Channel." February 94 DAT' 'n' DIS Page 5 Top Ten Reasons Why Disney is TOPS! 4. Euro-Disney proves that we even like the French. 3. Tokyo Disneyland shows that we don't even jump on the current Japan- bashing bandwagon. We even passed over hiring Lee Iococca to hire Michael Eisner as CEO! And do you think that we'd accept any screen- plays from Michael Crichton? Unless Mr. Katzenberg wanted it? 2. Don't you think that Emilio is a hunk? (Go, Ducks... Go!) And the number one reason that Disney is Tops is... 1. Michael Eisner and especially Jeffrey (Mr.) Katzenberg! As you can see, we are quite capable of poking fun at ourselves. In fact, we are actually surprised ourselves at the level of sophisticated humor we are able to put out... __________________________________________________________________________ Movie Review: Cabin Boy __________________________________________________________________________ By the time you read this newsletter, you will no doubt be familiar with the Disney company's latest theatrical success: "Cabin Boy." We must admit that we approached our viewing with a bit of apprehension. After all, what kind of a movie would we release without Bette? We eventually decided that there are lots of movies coming out, and a few naturally are not going to have her in them. Anyway, this film is nothing short of great! We were simply aston- ished by what we saw. The movie took our breath away with its subtle humor and intricate plot line, which brought back fond memories of the classic Disney releases during the 1970's with Kurt Russell, Joe Flynn, and the recently missed Caesar Romero. Obviously Chris Elliot has a long Disney career ahead of him. There is already talk about having him take over the direction of the animated feature film "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and "Fantasia Continued." His subtle wit and multifaceted talents will be a lasting tribute to the work of the late Victor Hugo. We notice with fondness that Disney has recently honed its Midas Touch in the movie field. Last summer, when everybody was talking about non-Disney movies like "Jurassic Park," "Cliffhanger," and "Last Action Hero," Disney was not asleep at the wheel. Instead of trying to go for cheap thrillers, Disney went for quality; a daring move in any industry for which they should be applauded. The film "Super Mario Brothers" is probably the best all-around movie to appear in 1993, and evoked memories of watching the Disney classic "Condor Man." We can only hope that Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo will be available for a sequel. "Life with Mikey" had Michael J. Fox and Christina Vidal in a movie that can best be described as "Fellini-esque." Bette (beautiful Bette!) Midler gave us a stellar performance in "Hocus Pocus," as always. And, just to show that Disney can put hunks on the screen with the best of them, Hollywood Pictures released "Father Hood" February 94 DAT' 'n' DIS Page 6 with Hunko-Di-Tutti-Hunki Patrick Swayze. With "Cabin Boy" following in the heels of such a spectacular year, there is no wonder that most industry insiders are starting to refer to Disney as "The Quality Studio." Way to go, Mr. Katzenberg! __________________________________________________________________________ DAT' 'n' DIS is an official publication from legal.disney.com. Noth- ing may be reprinted in whole or in part without sending lots of money to us at DAT' 'n' DIS. We only accept contributions from official Disney Public Relations hacks, so if you wish to contribute anything... tough luck. AVAILABILITY You may get DAT' 'n' DIS only if you are on our special mailing list. If you aren't on this mailing list, don't ask. We probably won't want you on it anyway. $ logout NO CARRIER __________________________________________________________________________ DIS' 'n' DAT is published semi-regularly by Larry Gensch. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in part without attribution to DIS' 'n' DAT. All incidents, situations, and events depicted or described in DIS' 'n' DAT are fictional, and any semblance to real life is really, you know, coincidental. People wishing to contribute to DIS' 'n' DAT should send email to the publication at the internet address "lar3ry@world.std.com." Please state explicitly if you wish to retain copyright for any material submitted. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT I would like to take this opportunity to thank Amberle Ferrian for the input she has given me in the preparation of this this issue. February 94