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                    "All Disney news fitted to print"

Volume 1 Number  8                                     November 93 Edition

In this issue...

Disney Horoscope

Don't worry that you are the butt of all your friends' jokes. You will find confidence in yourself under cover of darkness. Avoid woolgathering. Your natural sign is Leo.
You and your bovine companions should avoid strong hairy-chested gun-wielding French men at all costs. Stay at home for a while, say, ten years. Keep your temper under control. If you feel some need for company, wait - she will find you when the time is right. When thinking of gifts, think "books."
You will meet a tall dark stranger. You will fight over him incessantly amongst yourselves and completely fail to get his attention. He is attempting to become friendly with the acquaintance of a Taurus, which will eventually lead to his downfall.
Your music career will be put on hold, as your boss will charge you with an important duty that you will fail at miserably. Be sycophantic and speak with a bizarre accent and learn to trust other people's feelings. Do not try to reason with French chefs- they will only land you in hot water.
You will meet a traveller that will officiate a game of soccer for you. Do not trust this man, especially with precious heirlooms.
Your winning personality will soon place you among friends. Avoid hunters and hags. Insomnia will not be a problem; remember that your prince will come.
You may be feeling lonely and depressed. No one appears to be noticing you. Do not panic- love will come calling in the shape of a small cherub blowing a flute. Follow it; you may find another of your kind.
Beware any attempts to gild a precious possesion, it will be a part of you for quite a while. Advise a friend to seek sanctuary.
You should avoid delagating your chores. You will have a falling out with your boss regarding promotion. Do not argue with him- he is very wise, even if he spells his name backwards. Do not fall asleep on the job or you could find yourself over your head.
You may find a sudden increase in the number of legs you have. Your skin may also have a tendency to dry out. Do not worry- spend the long weekend with a close friend. Try not to say too much. Everything will work out soon. Be wary of salespeople bearing gifts.

Toon Town Confidential

[Editor's note: The following is the second in a series of articles by Martin Delaney, one of DIS' 'n' DAT's ace reporters]

I have had weird assignments in the past; being a reporter for DIS' 'n' DAT makes them more the norm than not. My current assignment had a Disney Imagineer turn me into a Toon Dwarf (actually Dopey) and I have set out to interview some of the residents of Toon Town. Since Dopey is mute, I have found that I can sort of "project" my thoughts to other toons and be understood. In the last installment, I had just interviewed Ariel.

When I came out of the sea, I took off my mer-person fins and was met by Happy, Doc, and Grumpy.

"Sure took your time!" came a garrulous voice.

"Oh, Grumpy," said Doc. "After all, it's his first day as a Toon. Give him a break!" This elicited a loud "Harumph!" from the dwarf in return.

Who am I supposed to interview next?

Happy stepped in front of Doc and explained, "We decided to bring you into the French Quarter of Toon Town!"

Who's there?

"Well, there is Belle, Gaston, and a few other characters from Beauty and the Beast..."

Belle! That's a wonderful idea.

"Now you did it, Happy... his ears are starting to wriggle again," complained Grumpy. I looked over at him and thought, Why are you so miserable all the time. Grumpy turned to me and screamed "IT'S MY CHARACTER, YOU NITWIT!" He then stormed off.

"Don't let the old grump get you all hot and bothered," said Doc as he and Happy led me off in what I presumed to be the French Quarter. No sooner did we hit the road than I heard a loud "Meep! Meep!" I turned in the direction of the noise, and Doc quickly pulled me off the street just in time to be missed by a rather large bird followed by by a coyote in pursuit. The coyote stopped the chase just as he reached me, turned to me and said "Howdy Dopey!"

Doc turned to the coyote and said "You know, you two are a menace to everyone in Toon Town!"

The coyote turned to Doc and apologized. "I'm sorry, pardner, but a guy has to eat."

"Well, Dopey isn't really himself today. In fact, he's a human reporter set out to interview some Toons," Happy explained to the coyote.

"DISNEY Toons actually," added Doc.

"Well, I coulda got the part in the Lion King, you know. And remember that Chuck Jones did a little stint at Disney too. Anyway, I gotta run." The coyote then revved up his legs, and drew up a lot of smoke running in place. He held up a little sign towards me that said, simply, "Bye" and started off in pursuit of his prey again. I watched him take off and then he suddenly froze in mid air. Underneath him, a title appeared that said "Coyotus Ravenous." A couple of seconds later, he took off again. I watched him dwindle in the distance.

Doc brought me out of my reverie. "C'mon, Dopey. We've got to get moving. Just remember to stay on the sidewalk..." Doc was interrupted by a cab that jumped off the road and onto the sidewalk, almost knocking him down.

"Did anyone here call for a cab?" the car asked.

"Thanks, Benny," said Happy. "C'mon, you two get inside."

Doc muttered something under his breath as he got inside the vehicle. No sooner did we all pile in than Benny left the sidewalk with a lurch and hurled himself onto the road. I started to fear for my life as Benny bounced from one side of the road to the other.

Benny turned his head and asked "So, ya' goin' to the French Quarter?" He noticed my discomfort as we narrowly missed a Toon Bus and continued. "Oh, don't worry 'bout anything. If you get scared, do what I do: Shut your eyes!"

I took his advice and closed my eyes before the realization of what Benny had just said hit me. Happy and Doc laughed with Benny at my plight.

"Oh, Dopey. You know that Toons can't get hurt!" explained Doc.

I opened my eyes and looked at the sights around me. We were traveling real fast (too fast, I thought to myself) and I could only make out general shapes. Happy pointed out Pongo and Perdita from 101 Dalmations. We whizzed by them, almost running over Pongo's tail.

"Pongo and Perdita did a couple of walk-on's for Oliver & Company," explained Benny, apparently unaware that Pongo was glaring at the rapidly departing vehicle. "I got them the job, since I saw the casting call while working at the Studio," he continued.

In a flash, all of a sudden the architecture styling had changed from what appeared to be Modern Nightmare to French Nightmare. Are we in the French Quarter?

"First stop, French Quarter. That's your stop, Dopey." The car screeched to a halt and the car and the two Dwarfs looked at me expectantly. Benny held his door open for me and I stepped gingerly out onto the road. The cab then took off, leaving dust and smoke where I was standing.

What now? All of a sudden, the cab came flying back. I jumped out of the way. "By the way, if you get back to the studio, please put in a good word for me," he said.

Doc smiled a bit from within the cab. "I don't think there are any roles for taxi cabs in Pocahontas, Benny," he said.

"Well, you never know... they might need me for Silly Hillbillies on Mars," he said and then jerked back onto the road and the cab and two Dwarfs left for parts unknown.

I looked at the cottage where I was left. I saw three girls approach me.

"Do you think he's the guy?" asked one.

"He looks a little Dopey!" twittered another.

Ahhh, these are the famous Bimbettes.

"Hey, jerk. That was only a role!" said the first one with an air of haughtiness. "In fact, I almost got the part of Belle in the movie."

The center girl turned to the first. "What do you mean, YOU almost got the part... it was I that the director showed an interest in..."

Is this Belle's house?

The three stopped arguing and turned to me. "Of course, you'd want to interview HER, wouldn't you?" asked the one closest to me. "Yeah. That little tramp lives there."

"Everybody who comes here always wants to see Belle. It's always Belle this, or Belle that. Ever since the Academy Award nomination..."

"The role wasn't even that good. `Oh, Beast... of COURSE I'll live with you.' As if she were advocating such an arrangement for EVERYBODY."

"Yeah," said the third girl, who had heretofore been silent. "And you should have seen the hijinks with Belle and that, that... Beast between takes."

I politely left them and went to the cottage. No sooner did I knock on the door than it opened. It was Belle.

Um, hi, I said... er thought...

"Hiya, Dopey. C'mon in." She looked behind me and waved to the three girls that were watching this scene.

"Oh, Hi Belle. You look great today," said all three in unison.

"Hi girls," she motioned me to come inside.

Looking at her face, I noticed that her face bore a striking resemblance to Amberle Ferrian. Except, of course, that Belle's eyes were MUCH bigger. I looked down a bit. Of course, Belle's waist was also impossible thin-

Belle must have heard my `thoughts,' as she said "Oh, by the way, thank Amberle for those lovely Water Rifles." Belle pointed to two Super Soakers criss-crossed on her mantlepiece underneath a coat of arms.

I personally thought that they'd look much nicer in color. Belle giggled at my thought.

Glancing around the room, I had expected to find Cogsworth and Lumiere, the Beast, or at least Maurice. I had not expected Gaston.

His deep voice filled the room. "With those neat new waterguns, Belle and I can scare all the other Toons spitless by telling them there's DIP in them," laughed Gaston.

Belle looked at my reaction with a bit of surprise. "Didn't anybody tell you that Gaston and I are married?"

Gaston laughed. "Surely you didn't think that I died in that movie, did you?"

No, but I thought Belle thought you were a bit brutish.

Belle answered, "Actually, the word is `boorish,' my little friend. And that was just a role. We met on the set of the movie and the magic was there. He's so handsome, and he kept that damn SEX MANIAC away from me during filming."

What sex maniac?

"That rascal Lumiere. He was a real terror on the set, getting his kicks goosing people. Did you ever get goosed by a candleabra? OUCH!" she winced at the thought.

Gaston continued, "It got so that all the girls on the set wrote a nasty letter to Michael Eisner about sexual harassment charges. I personally threatened to punch his lights out." He and Belle laughed at his little pun (Toons!).

So, how is married life, Belle?

"Fine, just fine. Like in an old fairy tale..." she answered.

Gaston interrupted. "Belle and I have a perfect relationship. She has a part-time job as the Toon Town Librarian, and I have found that I love decorating the house. I even do housecleaning..."

I tried to make a mental picture of Gaston dusting the furniture and failed.

"We also found that we both like photography as a hobby," Belle continued. "Gas' is a killer with the camera!" Gaston beamed with pride at that. "We also have some, er, private pictures that I posed for."

Private pictures of Belle??? I bet that would be...

"Oh, I couldn't show them to anybody, really. I have a reputation, you know."

I decided to change the subject. The girls outside mentioned a bit about an affair on the set of the movie...

Belle's expression changed to one of fury. "Those cows! They'd try anything to get my part. They were always making stories up!"

Gaston said in a conspiratorial tone. "Actually, it was one of those girls, who'll remain nameless, that was having an affair. The whole cast knew about it. She even managed to get in a family way. We all knew it was the Beast, although he always denied it. You should have seen them behind the sets during filming..."

"Yeah, between him and Lumiere, we had our hands full. I'm really indebted to wonderful Gaston..." Her voice drifted off as she looked at him with love plainly in her face. Gaston took her hands and they spent a few minutes just mooning over each other.

I thought to myself, Newlyweds!

They reacted to my thoughts, turned in surprise, and hastily excused themselves.

"Sorry," started Belle.

Oh, no... I don't want to intrude.

"No at all," she answered.

I "told" Belle that I really liked her and Gaston's house.

"This is my old cottage from before I got the part in the movie. With the money we both got from the movie, we are both really set for life. We are having a new villa constructed, a really large place."

Gaston agreed. "Belle and I are moving to a more secluded side of town, a more private area. Away from those meddling girls..."

"It's not that we don't like other Toons, you know," Belle explained. She turned quickly to me. "You know, the new place is right next to Snow White's place. Of course you know that she is one of my best friends, right Dopey?"

Actually, I hadn't met her yet.

"Oh, that's right," she said. "You're that human working for that wonderful newsletter..."

Gaston continued Belle's thought. "Snow White is so sweet, but that voice! It was so nice when she did her movie, but recently I can't figure out what she did with it." Belle and Gaston shuddered.

"Did you see her at the Academy Awards show?" asked Belle. "I had given her my gown..."

Yes, I remember. Didn't she bleach it white?

"Yes, it was for her wedding to Aladdin. They met during a Disney P.R. affair right after the filming of his movie. It was love at first sight."

Snow White? Married??

"Yes... they live a very private life. Not even the Unnatural Enquirer has printed about the marriage yet. Could be a scoop for your newsletter!" suggested Gaston.

"She loves that carpet of his." She pondered a few seconds and continued. "I was her Matron of Honor, and Gas' was the best man!"

This is certainly a bit of a surprise. I suddenly came up with a good title for the second installment of my article.

Belle changed the subject. "Dopey, you ARE staying for dinner, aren't you?"

I thought, what's on the menu? Roast Beast?

Gaston and Belle laughed at the pun (Toons!). "Actually," started Gaston, "It's a souffle' that Louis has been working on all day."


"Oh, yes," explained Belle. "He had a bit part in The Little Mermaid..."

I swooned at the memory of Ariel.

"and he is now our chef."

On cue, Louis appeared to announce that the first course would be ready in about ten minutes. He returned to the kitchen, where we heard crashing.

Belle sighed. "Louis is an absolute marvelous cook, but the food usually tries to run away from him."

Louis was indeed a great cook, and the souffle' was the crowning achievement of the five course dinner that night. I had gotten a bit woozey from the champagne (Toon Fizz '89). Belle served some wine (Blackened White '88) afterwards as Gaston entertained us with some bawdy songs that it would do best not to repeat.

I left the house later that night, and as soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk, Benny came rushing up. "Were to, Mac?"

Is there any place where a Toon can sleep?

"Yeah, sure! The Toon Town Hill Ton," Benny replied and sped away. The wine and food were sloshing around. He stopped at a place that looked like a gigantic safe.

"Last stop! Hill Ton" explained Benny. I thanked him and walked gingerly toward the hotel. There was a big gorilla at the door, whom I had recognized from Roger Rabbit's movie.

"What's the password?" asked the gorilla.

I thought quickly. Michael sent me?

The door opened, and I was given a key to room 1313. Thirteenth floor?

"Yeah, Donald Duck used to live there," said the gorilla.

I pressed the button for the elevator, which opened immediately. "Thirteenth floor?" asked Droopy.

Yes. Thanks. The elevator made the trip in about a half second. I stumbled out of the elevator worried that the wine and food were going to come up.

I found the room (it was the only room on the floor), opened the door and threw myself into bed. I fell asleep immediately and had technicolor dreams of French Chefs, New York City Cabs, rocket-powered elevators, and a certain mermaid. Tomorrow was certainly going to be another exciting day.

Yet Another Ode to a Mighty Duck

Well the initial results are in, and we have yet another song devoted to a certain NHL expansion team, as sung by a little orange Jamaican crab:
There you see it,
Sliding all across the ice.
It don't have a lot of spice,
But dere's something about it.
And you sure know why,
That you're looking to die
Because you missed the goal.

Yeah, you want it.
Tell yourself you know you do.
Aud-i-ence, dey want it, too;
And there's one way about it.
Don't take no brains
To do ads for Haynes,
And then you... missed the goal.

Sha la la la la la
My oh my!
Looks like the team's too shy -
They miss another goal.
Sha la la la la la
Ain't that sad?
Ain't that a shame? Too bad!
They miss another goal.

Now's your moment,
Skating 'cross de clear blue lines.
Face-off, not de best of times -
This time will be better.
Puck is all set up:
And you f*ck it up
Because you missed the goal.

Sha la la la la la
Don't be scared,
Just 'cause you're ill-prepared,
You're gonna miss the goal.
Sha la la la la la
Don't stop now!
No place to hide it now!
You're gonna miss the goal.

Sha la la la la la
Skate along
The aud-i-ence in song,
They singing "Miss the goal!"
Sha la la la la la
De music play.
Don't do what Eisner say;
You're gonna... miss the goal.


Single Male Color Toon looking for la petit femme fatale for romantic encounter. Must like wax jobs. Should not be romantically involved, although I am not that picky. Must like Parisian accents and having a hot time. Contact Lumierre, Toon Town.

Divorced Female Toon looking for unattached toon who is not under the financial jurisdiction of the Disney company. No cats need apply. I am pretty well off, even receive Social Security. I have cable (but no Disney channel). Contact M. Mouse, Toon Town, Disneyland.

Successful Toon Star looking for toon female companionship. I'm very interested in all types of athletics, and have my own television series. Come over to my house, and we can bounce off the walls together. I'm guarranteed to give you a gawrsh-darn good time. Contact Dippy "Goofy" Dawg, Toon Town, Disneyland.

Short Toon Reporter looking to somehow get out of Toon Town. You'll find me the quiet type, and work for the greatest newsletter in the world. Interests include all sorts of toon types, and I was once a human. If this does not turn you off, contact M. Delaney, Toon Town Hill Ton.

DIS' 'n' DAT is published semi-regularly by Larry Gensch. Nothing may be reprinted in whoe or in part without attribution to DIS' 'n' DAT.

All incidents, situations, and events depicted or described in DIS' 'n' DAT are fictional, and any semblance to real life is really, you know, coincidental.

People wishing to contribute to DIS' 'n' DAT should send email to the publication at the internet address below. Please state explicitly if you wish to retain copyright or anonymity for any material submitted.

DIS' 'n' DAT / November 93 Edition / lar3ry@world.std.com