DIS' 'n' DAT

DDDDD   IIIII    SSSS   '''     '''            '''   DDDDD      A    TTTTT
D    D    I     S    S  '''     '''  n         '''   D    D    A A     T
D    D    I     S        '       '    nnnnnn    '    D    D   A   A    T
D    D    I      SSSS   '       '     n    n   '     D    D  A     A   T
D    D    I          S                n    n         D    D  AAAAAAA   T
D    D    I     S    S                n    n         D    D  A     A   T
DDDDD   IIIII    SSSS                 n    n         DDDDD   A     A   T

                    "All Disney news fitted to print"

Volume 1 Number  7                                      October 93 Edition

In this issue...

Letters to DIS' 'n' DAT

Dear DIS' 'n' DAT,

Here they go again! Those typical, MALE-oriented people that run the Disney company are once again celebrating another birthday of Mickey's this year. Big deal... he's 65. So am I, but does anybody even CARE?

I was in the very first Mickey Mouse cartoon. Even then, I never got billing. In those days, Mickey needed me. We were married in a secret ceremony in Toon Town. Mickey told me at the time that it was held in secret to avoid the publicity hounds. We were pretty well off, as we both were acting then. I didn't care that Mickey was making more money then I; that was the way that things were then. So what if I always had to play the damsel in distress? They were the only parts for women in those days.

Our shorts became popular; the studio made lots of money; Mickey made lots of money. It felt like heaven.

I got pregnant soon afterwards, and the studio decided that it wouldn't be in Mickey's interest to have a pregnant "girlfriend" hanging around. I got dropped from the "active" roster of performers, and they teamed Mickey with Pluto and then with Donald and Goofy. Fearing bad publicity, the studio forced me to have an illegal abortion (and then had the nerve to deduct the cost from my paycheck, which was pretty meager since I wasn't allowed to act in my "condition").

Success apparently changed Mickey. His cartoons were still popular, even without me. He left me, and through his connections in Toon Town he was able to destroy all records of our ever being married. He started telling people that it was only a coincidence that our last names were the same. Naturally, I was heartbroken, and was going to leave Toon Town and all the bad memories. The studio stopped me, showing me my contract (which Mickey had induced me to sign) and telling me the legal hassles I'd get if I ever left.

I started drinking, hastening my decline with the studio. After a ten-year binge, I decided to get my act together. For years I had attempted to get my OWN series of cartoons, but Mickey always stood in my way, saying that it would make him look bad. It got so whenever I got a bit part in one of the animated features, Mickey would make me feel so terrible.

When Mr. Eisner took over the studio, I had hoped things would be different, and they were for a little while. I got my own television special (with Robert Carradine and Suzanne Summers), and my own "Minnie 'n Me" line of cosmetics and apparel. When Mickey found out, he was furious! He threatened to quit the studio and move to Hanna-Barberra. They relented, and I went back to bit parts, whenever I can get them.

After a nervous breakdown, my analyst convinced me that this was the era for the tell-all Hollywood book. She brought me in touch with a ghostwriter named Casper, and my autobiography is finally going to get the goods on that rat. It should be out by the time you read this. Look for "Diary of a Had Mousewife," not published by Hyperion Books.


Minnie (formerly Mrs. Mickey) Mouse

Dear Mr. Gensch,

It has come to our attention that your so-called "publication" has been making disparaging remarks about our client, the Walt Disney Company, and we are officially notifying you

[Editors note: the rest of this correspondence has been inadvertently deleted].

Dear DIS' 'n' DAT,

I just wanted to get my name in your newsletter. Thanks.

[Name withheld at Editor's request]

Dear DIS' 'n' DAT,

The Walt Disney Company has a long history of providing entertainment for the entire family.

With regard to your question, I have to categorically state that the title of our animated film "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" is NOT in any way a reference to Cocaine or Crack, nor does the film in any way advocate their use.


Michael Eisner

Top 10 Ways to Spend $200 Million

As a personal service to a certain Walt Disney CEO, we at DIS' 'n' DAT have come up with a list of ways that a person could spend some $200 Million that may be laying around.
Purchase an annual pass for Walt Disney World for the next 1,333,333 years
Hire a full-time speech therapist for Donald Duck
Wallpaper office with $1,000 bills
Attempt to use the money to make Euro-Disney profitable
Two words: Buy Paramount
Donate a large portion of it to the deserving editor of DIS' 'n' DAT
Finance the next 200 million Mighty Ducks movies
Purchase 10,025,062 copies of the Aladdin video tape
Run for Vice President under Ross Perot in 1996
And the number one way to spend $200 million is... (drum roll, please Paul):
Infuse new capital into Disney Imagineering Cryology project

A Reporter in Toon Town

[Editor's note: The following is the first in a series of articles by Martin Delaney, one of DIS' 'n' DAT's ace reporters]

I have had weird assignments in the past; being a reporter for DIS' 'n' DAT makes them more the norm than not. My latest assignment was to transform myself into a cartoon (a "Toon" for all you animation junkies) and saunter into Toon Town and interview some of Walt Disney's most colorful characters from the history of animation.

Sounds easy, right? Well, the first question that comes to mind is: How does one transform oneself into a Toon? Well, it seems that an experimental process has been developed at Walt Disney Imagineering called "Toonizing." The process can turn a human reporter into a Toon, and vice versa. For some reason, WDC Chairman Michael Eisner made a special arrangement for DIS' 'n' DAT to try out the process and write a series of articles about it.

I arrived at the laboratory of an Imagineer who would only refer to himself as "Deep Quack." He had me fill out a form absolving WDI from any legal responsibilities, etc. and had me sign it and show three forms of identification. He pushed a button on his telephone and twenty lawyers walked in, almost in parade precision, picked up the papers, looked at my identification, and pulled out magnifying glasses and compared the signatures to that on the release forms. They then picked up the forms, and marched out of the office.

The Imagineer cackled a laugh. "You get used to them working around here." He then put a strange colored object onto his desk. "If you run into any trouble while you are in Toon Town, you may find something useful in this box. It's a cartoon box, and as such you can only open it when you are a Toon. Now, can you please laugh for me?"

"Huh?" I answered. "You want me to laugh?"

"Yes. The Toonizer needs to get a digital identification signal in order to work. In Toon Town, fingerprints are worthless, since Toons can change shape and size almost at will. However, a laugh is as unique a piece of identification for a Toon as fingerprints are for humans." These Imagineers had EVERYTHING worked out.

I gave a nervous laugh, and the Imagineer looked at me quizically. "If you want to be a Toon, you're going to have to do better than that," he explained.

I started to think back to things that were funny, when all of a sudden I remembered a rather serious debate over the prettiest Toon female. People were up in arms about whether Ariel was prettier than Belle.

"Enough, enough. We got it," he said as I burst out in a belly laugh. "Now, put it into your pocket and if you get into any trouble as a Toon, open the box and you may find something to help you out."

I put the box into my jacket pocket. Who was going to worry. I mean, what could go wrong in Toon Town, for crying out loud?

"So, when do we start the process, Mr. Quack?" Suddenly, I felt very uneasy discussing experimental projects with someone called Mr. Quack.

He sat back into his chair, and pressed a button on the padded arm. "Actually, it's already started."

My vision turned to white light, and an impossibly loud noise was ripping through my ears and tearing into my skull. My skin felt simultaneously hot and cold and wet and dry. My mouth went dry, and then I smelled the sweet aroma of fresh roses, which turned to vinegar, which turned to the stench of a long abandoned skunk. The crescendo in my ears started to sound like an orchestra getting ready to take off, sort of like listening to the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album.

And then there was nothing.

Far off in the distance, I thought I could hear Mr. Quack saying faintly "Have a good trip and don't be late..."

For what seemed like an eternity, I was bathed in nothingness. It wasn't dark; it wasn't light. Just nothingness.

I heard a voice say "Open your eyes, dummy!" followed by a girlish giggle. Eyes? I asked myself. What are they? How do you open them?

Slowly, the numbing sensations started wearing off. I opened my eyes, slowly, and was bathed in glorious Technicolor.

I could make out a few fuzzy figures near me, which seemed to be talking. "Hey, this one got a good role!" someone said. "The last one was turned into a character from a Bluth movie."

"Yeah... what a bummer. Banished to the projects."

The shapes were starting to solidify now. With the exception of the impossible color combinations, I started to feel more or less normal. I looked at myself. I immediately started to feel less normal.

I had been turned into a dwarf!

I started to be able to pick out the other shapes. Like I first thought, they were Toons. On closer inspection, I realized that they were also dwarfs. The one doing most of the talking was Doc. The other one was Happy, and next to him, looking rather bored, was Sleepy. Grumpy was a few yards away, apparently not wanting anything to do with any of us. Bashful was only partially visible behind a Toon tree.

Who was missing?

"AAAAAAAACCCCCCCHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO....." came an explosion behind me. Oh yes, Sneezy! Who else was missing?

I tried to speak, but couldn't. Couldn't? Maybe, Wouldn't would better describe it. I tried to make a sound, to no avail.

Happy looked at me, smiling. "Look! Dopey's trying to talk!"

"Oh, no, no, no! That will never do," said Doc. "Look, you got your ears all in a flutter!"

Now THIS was interesting. How am I supposed to interview anybody as a mute?

Where were we going?

Doc seemed to be hooked on my mental wavelength. "We're going to help you get to your interviews."

Four of the dwarfs went off in another direction, leaving me with Happy and Doc. We started walking at a fast pace.

I looked around at the scenery. Impossible shapes and more colors than could possibly be imagined were everywhere. It looked like the designers of the town didn't believe in right angles.

"Mr. Acme created the initial structures, which are a bunch of tenements now, over in Hanna-Barberra section. The rest is the work of us Toons, and you know what happens when Toons get tools," Doc commented.

I guess my first assignment is to interview Mickey and Minnie and...

"Uh, Dopey. Mickey and the others aren't here any more. The Disney studio moved them into Disneyland."

Oh yes. How stupid of me.

"Or rather," giggled Doc, "How DOPEY!" Happy let out a raucous laugh.

Toons! I decided to keep my thoughts to myself and find out where they taking me. We were walking along a beach and Doc and Happy stopped at the water.

What are we doing here?

"First stop, Dopey. Hop in!" explained Doc.

Hop in? I can't swim, you knucklehead!

"Nervous, Dopey?" asked Doc.


"Uh, Dopey. Didn't they give you a Toon Box?" asked Happy.

Oh yes. I felt inside my tunic for the box, which wasn't there. A look of panic washed over my face.

"No, no, Dopey. You gotta snap your fingers like this..." Happy snapped his fingers and a box appeared from nowhere.

Easy, I figured. Then I tried to snap my fingers. Only they wouldn't snap. In fact, my fingers seemed as if they were doing a well-rehearsed mime routine about somebody trying unsuccessfully to snap their fingers.

Doc fell on the sand laughing. "Heh, heh, heh... you know, I never get used to your silliness, Dopey!"

"Um, why don't you try snapping your fingers backwards?" suggested Happy.

Backwards? How do you snap your fingers backwards? My mind went blank (which is probably normal for Dopey) and then by some magic my fingers went SNAP! and the Toon Box opened. Inside the box was what looked like the bottom half of a fish.

"C'mon, Dopey... put it on!" urged Doc.

Why? And why do I have to jump into the ocean?

Doc seemed distracted. "C'mon, Dopey!" he said. "We haven't got all day!"

Confused, I picked up the fish thingamajig from the box and found it was the bottom half of a mermaid costume. On the inside it said "D. Hannah." I held it out and then WHOOSH! I was taken by surprise by the sudden impact of my head on the sand. I looked at where my feet had been only moments before, and saw two small fins instead. I was now a mermaid... er... merman.

"OK, Dopey. Now, into the water. And say `Hi' to Ariel for me," said Doc.


"Hee hee hee!" laughed Happy as he pushed me in. I had expected the water to be shallow, this being a beach and all, but it seemed to be a rather large trench. I was nervous at first at not being able to breathe, and then noticed that there wasn't any problem. Of course... you can't kill Toons.

My fin seemed to know what to do, and so I started exploring the Toon sea, with its own lovely colors and impossible-looking fish. I noticed an octopus with a dejected expression on its face. I swam over to it.

What's the problem, I thought at the octopus. There wasn't any response.

"Dopey, Dopey, this way," said a familiar Jamaican voice.


"Geez, mon! Ariel be expecting you now!" He pronounced her name "Ahr-ee-ell."

What's with the octopus?

"Him, he was beeg actor in Bedknobs, but poor thing got turned down for Little Mermaid part."

Sebastian started scurrying away, and I started swimming after him. He was still talking.

"We all be excited over interview for that MARVELOUS publication of yours..."

It's not MY publication. I'm just a reporter.

"Whatever. People sort of forget that there a life here, under da' sea, when they comes to Toon Town," Sebastian explained. "We hardly get any visitors, and now a visitor of supreme importance..." He paused.

I looked around, and saw a mermaid with a pouting look on her face. Ariel? I asked in her direction.

"Geez, mon. Thot not be Ariel, thot be Allana."

It was then I noticed the lack of the red hair. Why was she upset?

Sebastian said quietly to me, "She be real mad, due to fact that for her role in Mermaid she not get paid."

What? Disney didn't pay her?

"Oh, they pay her all right, but Toon Town bank not cash her paycheck. They spelled her name wrong on it. C'mon, we's got to get moving." Sebastian started scurrying toward a cave nearby.

"Ariel?" Sebastian called. "Ariel? We got company! You in here, girl?" His voice reverberated in the cave.

I remembered this cave from the movie. Wasn't it called the Grotto or something?

"Yes, this be the Grotto," Sebastian explained. "Ariel, you in here?"

Unexpectedly, a beautiful voice answered. "Oh, Hi Sebastian." I turned in the direction of the voice and was greeted by the beautiful sight of Ariel. In the flesh, so to speak. "You just have to be the reporter. Welcome to my little piece of Utopia."

I instantly fell in love with the voice. My eyes caught a glimpse of bright color right over my head. I looked up and saw bright red hearts floating over me. Sigh. Toons!

"You know, you look pretty, well, a bit silly. I never imagined Dopey as a mer-person," she giggled. I then noticed Flounder twittering behind her.

I felt a bit embarrassed, but found myself enraptured by that voice. That wonderful voice. That beautiful...

"Calm down, mon!" ordered Sebastian. "You's bringing the temperature of the cave REAL HOT! Ariel, you's got to do something about that. Is always same problem. YOU may not be cold-blooded, but I am!"

"Oh, Sebastian, he's just being cute."

Ariel thought I was cute. I was in heaven. I didn't notice an ominous shadow outside the cave.

"The SEA WITCH!" cried Sebastian. "Get OUT of here, you... you..."

A voice boomed from outside the cave. "The name is Ursula, my Jamaican friend!"

"You's no friend of mine!" sputtered Sebastian.

"You two please stop it!" Ariel said in the sweet voice. "Why don't you two just get along?"

"I'm not going to be friends with that... that... overgrown SQUEED!" said Sebastian. "If SHE's gonna be here, I'm making tracks. Ariel, remember, you have rehearsal in fifteen minutes." With that, he scurried out of the cave; one of Ursula's tentacles just barely missing him on his way out.

"I'm sorry, dahling. I really am. That hideous insect just HATES me for some reason," explained Ursula.

Ariel invited Ursula into the cave. The Sea Witch, friends with Ariel?

"Of course, we go a long way back. You realize that The Little Mermaid was only a movie, don't you?" asked Ariel.

Um, yes. Of course.

"Yes, dahling. In Toon Town, appearances can be so, um, deceiving! Please let me stay... I won't be a bother. Really."

I decided it was time to get on with the interview. I asked the standard questions and got the standard answers. Of course, she's a natural red-head. Yes, she's still unmarried, and the rumors about a secret marriage to Mr. Limpet were just that: rumors. Yes, she loves having a regular job on the television. No, she isn't going to be appearing at EPCOT's Living Seas exhibit in the near future.

Flounder whispered something into Ariel's ear, and she giggled. "Flounder wants you to report in DIS' 'n' DAT that I have decided to start a Tim Pickett Fan Club!"

I noted that and continued the interview. No, she did not pose for the Chicken of the Sea label. No, she's only good friends with Prince Eric - he's a handsome actor, but she really prefers life, as Sebastian would put it, "Under da sea." No, she had not heard the rumor about her and Tom Hanks, and it was not true. She added that they probably had her confused with Daryl Hannah. No, she is not going to pose for the centerfold of Field and Stream.

I then asked her for a picture. I know that the studio had publicity shots, but I wanted something more, er, personal.

"Sure," she replied.

I did that backwards snap thing and the Toon Box popped out of nowhere. I opened it up, and a toon camera popped out. I snapped a picture of Ariel, giving me a very sexy look. It almost steamed up the camera. After I pressed the shutter release, an elaborate device came out of the camera and handed me a picture. It was gorgeous.

"How about a picture of all of us?" asked Ursula.

That would be a great idea. I had to set the control on the camera for a wide-angle, and got a picture of Ariel and Ursula hugging, with Flounder in between them. They all autographed the picture and we broke into small talk.

Just then, a Jamaican voice boomed from outside the Grotto. "Ariel! You be getting late for rehearsal!"

"Oh, all right, Sebastian. I'll just be a minute," she called back. With that, she thanked me for the interview, and as she was leaving the Grotto, she turned back and gave me a peck on the cheek.

They tell me that when I came to, I had the biggest smile on my face...

                            TO BE CONTINUED...

DIS' 'n' DAT is published semi-regularly by Larry Gensch. Nothing may be reprinted in whoe or in part without attribution to DIS' 'n' DAT.

All incidents, situations, and events depicted or described in DIS' 'n' DAT are fictional, and any semblance to real life is really, you know, coincidental.

People wishing to contribute to DIS' 'n' DAT should send email to the publication at the internet address below. Please state explicitly if you wish to retain copyright or anonymity for any material submitted.

DIS' 'n' DAT / October 93 Edition / lar3ry@world.std.com